Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Life and the unexpected turns it takes

Im sitting at home, momentarily, before going back up to the hospital to feed Libby. She was re-admitted yesterday because of high bilirubin levels. She was very jaundiced, and was lethargic and not eating. Pretty common, but still, a hard thing to take.

We came home on Saturday and were back in on Monday. I think I have cried more in the last three days than I had cried in the three months prior. It's crazy what these pregnancy hormones do, truly. They play tricks on us moms.

You worry - this tiny, helpless little body that was once so connected to you now is living on the outside world and seems to instantly need something you cannot give her. An otherwise healthy baby girl, Libby is suffering from something so common that under normal circumstances, I wouldnt bat an eye at it.

But at three days post-partum? Anyone who is anyone has to be prepared to find themselves on the receiving end of the blubbering idiot otherwise known as a new mom.

I cried because she had to be re-admitted.
I cried because this meant I couldn't hold her unless I was feeding her.
I cried because I had to stay in a very sad room at the hospital.
I cried because at her 1:30am feeding, she absolutely would NOT latch on.
I cried because I worried I had failed.
I cried because I wasn't at home with the three other kids and Chris.
I cried because hospital food is SOOO not food!

Catch my drift? New moms need to give themselves a break, but I admit, I never give myself one. My daughter had to be separated from me, and that broke my heart. And she isnt even sick - really. God help those parents whose child stays in ICU, or is much more sick than Libby was.

My heart goes out to them. As moms, I think the connection with your kids begins long before they are living and breathing on the outside. Every kick, every hiccup, every turn you feel inside you is a moment that only moms can experience. Inside they are safe. Protected.

I love that sweet little baby more than life. I cannot wait to go back up to that hospital to feed her, cuddle with her and (hopefully) get the news that she is able to come home.

Where she belongs.

This new motherhood thing is simply TOUGH. TOUGH stuff to manage. Hard, hard, hard. I think I had forgotten, even though I have three at home.

I am blessed with a wonderful husband who has been NOTHING but supportive. God bless him. Truly.

So, all you who read this blog...be prepared for some blubbering. Some new mom posts that may seem a little over the top, a little nuts, cuckoo, whatever. Because if you are a mom, you will understand. If youre not, but plan on being one some day, you may get a glimpse into what its really like.

Its joyous. miraculous. heart-wrenching. amazing. life changing.


Gotta go get my sweet little girl..Oh God, Im starting to cry again...watch out world! :)


Leeser said...

I am crying right along with you. It IS so hard, and so wonderful, and so thankless, and so rewarding- all at the same time! Congrats and hang in there. I had forgotten too...but it all comes back and it does get easier!

maura said...

well, great. now i'm crying too! my heart goes out to you and Libby - and all of you. hang in there. i know she will be ok and hopefully, she will be home soon where she belongs. :) love you - xo, m

PaPa said...

Hang in there daughter. You are doing great. I understand everything you mentioned.

Tracey's bookshelf: read

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
The Girl Who Played with Fire
The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest
My Sister's Keeper
Nineteen Minutes
The Pact
The Tenth Circle
Change of Heart
Keeping Faith
Handle with Care
House Rules
More Than It Hurts You
Amy and Isabelle
A Prayer for Owen Meany
A Widow for One Year
The 158-Pound Marriage
To the Lighthouse
Between the Acts
A Room of One's Own, and Three Guineas
The Help

Tracey English's favorite books »